letterwishes

I wonder why you did not tell me of your intention? We have been so close for so long – yet others knew of your plan and you did not confide it in me. What would I have done if you had? Managed an intervention? Tried to talk you out of it? Called …someone? All of that? I’m sure it wasn’t because you thought I couldn’t handle it…..maybe you were worried I would talk you out of it or that I would suffer knowing of it. I cannot swear I would have opposed what you did…..I knew you were condemned to a middle and elder-life of psychic pain. I completely understood what your future was (and was not). These are my last words to you – and I wish you had given me some of yours. I have always loved you, ever since we met when we were 13 – and I always will love you. My mother loved ! you too, along with so many others. The most important thing is – I would have let you go. I think you did not know or believe that I would have let you go as you wanted. That is the most important fact, other than your sudden, abrupt and jarring absence in my universe, which is now more than just one person smaller, since you were so much larger than life. I hope you are in peace and I hope your peace will eventually reach me and your other friends. I hope you now know that I would have accepted your decision. It is just so very hard to accept it now – I wish I had said goodbye.

This is my goodbye, Cary. Be peaceful.